


What Fish Can Tell Us

by drelfina



Series: Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the shinobi world [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Arranged Marriage, F/M, M/M, Multi, Oiroke no Jutsu | Sexy no Jutsu, Other, Timeline What Timeline, Worldbuilding, future Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Itachi, future Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka - Freeform, minor Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai, serious taken so cracky it gone cracky and cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-12 03:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18438587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Asuma got Yuuhi Kurenai pregnant and thenmarriedher, which had the clans in a complete uproar.The Yuuhi family was a small and barely signifcant shinobi family, not even related or affiliated to any of the main families and clans, and for Sarutobi to allow Asuma to ally with her family was a huge leap in status for the Yuuhi, and absolute insult to every other damn clan.And as much as Iruka knew how much the two of them loved each other, it meant that Iruka was now set to marry a stranger to appease the clans.Godddamit, Asuma.***In a world where an unknown ninja had discovered a certain sex-change jutsu, and every damn shinobi thereby can learn it,  Iruka finds himself in a Situation. Taken in by the Sarutobi Clan by the Sandaime himself after his parents had died in the Kyuubi attack, Iruka now has to marry after the disaster of his older foster-brother's marriage.





	1. Goddammit Asuma

**Author's Note:**

> So instead of continuing Iruka 1/2, I've gone and wandered off for years through an assortment of random shit, various other fandoms, and now returned the semi-complete circle back to Naruto, just in time to post this in a nice shiny UI of AO3. 
> 
> The title is taken from Joan Roughgarden's _Evolution's Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People_ because if you know anything about me, it's FISH. And as the story progresses, I'm sure you'll notice how appropriate this book is to this fucking story, because fish do all sorts of crazy things. 
> 
> Clownfish is one of the most well-known species to do crazy shit, but there're others.

Iruka looked up to see Asuma approaching and he dropped his head on his fist. 

"No," he said before Asuma could open his mouth. "I am _busy_." 

"I hadn't even said anything," Asuma said, and there, _there's_ that little wheedling note that Iruka had grown up hearing, which Asuma usually used to convince Iruka to help steal honeycakes from the kitchen, and later as they'd grown older, to lie prettily and get him out of boring meetings. 

It had never taken much for Asuma to convince him to play pranks, and Hiruzen-sama had never punished him overly, but this was way past the time for pranks. They were both too old for that anymore. 

"I know you're going to try," Iruka growled, and picked up a stack of student essays and thumped them down again in a pointed message of _I am busy goddamit_. 

"Yes, but I've brought lunch!" Asuma held up a cheerfully wrapped bento. 

It wasn't even from Ichiraku which Asuma would have gotten not two weeks ago. It was _clearly_ homemade, and despite the utterly generic design of the Konoha symbol on the furoshiki, Iruka knew _exactly_ who had made it. 

"You mean you made Yuuhi-san make it," Iruka said scathingly. 

"Aww, come on," Asuma said and dropped it on top of the stack of essays Iruka was marking. 

Iruka nearly stabbed Asuma's hand with his pen, but manfully held back with great effort. 

Yuuhi Kurenai's cooking surpassed both Iruka's and Asuma's by at least two orders of magnitude, and over the last week or so Iruka'd learned that if it weren't for what Asuma'd done, Kurenai's cooking would have been a good bribe indeed. 

He couldn't bring himself to shove it back into Asuma's face, so he settled for glowering. 

"Don't look at me like that, Kurenai spent a lot of time on it," Asuma said. 

"You should have asked me first before making her waste her time." 

"And you haven't had breakfast yet, even," Asuma said, nudging it forward with a finger and Iruka glowered harder. "She made your favourite tonkatsu with garlic sauce." 

His stomach growled. the little _traitor_. 

"How many times have I told you to eat breakfast in the mornings?" Asuma said, grinning triumphantly. 

Iruka's glower darkened, but Asuma's grin didn't even dim. 

"What do you really want?" Iruka said finally, shifting his glare to the simple knot in the furoshiki. 

"We-ell," Asuma said, slowly. "You know tonight the Clan Heads and Father are meeting." 

"Of course I do. I helped wrangle the whole damn lot into the same room," Iruka said. "So?" 

"And you're off early tonight...." 

"Tonight I was _planning_ to go and get drunk and get laid," Iruka snapped. 

Asuma rolled his eyes. "No you aren't." 

"Sure I aren't. You don't know that do you? You don't live at _home_ anymore." 

"Not that you would have brought back anyone anyway, but I know you don't casually sleep around in the first place," Asuma said because damn the man, he knew Iruka too well. 

"You're not getting out of that meeting," Iruka said. "you deserve it, after what you'd done. You deserve to sit in on every meeting with every Clan head for the next ten years." 

"Yes yes, I know, but I can't stand it tonight, just tonight, can you come along? The meeting's always shorter when you're there." 

Iruka eyeballed him. Asuma tugged the knot in the fabric and let it fall open, the smooth lacqured bunny and flowers on the top of the bento glimmered in the steady light of Iruka's office. Gleaming smooth and tempting. 

"Dammit," Iruka muttered. 

"Yes, thank you so much, Iru-kun," Asuma said, grinning. "Kurenai thanks you too." 

Iruka scowled at him. "Get out." 

*** 

Iruka had nothing against Kurenai, Asuma being with Kurenai, and their relationship in any particular permutation. They were sickeningly sweet together, of course, possibly even more now that Kurenai was starting to show just a little bit. 

But Asuma managing to get a woman from a minor, relatively new family pregnant and then refusing to disown the growing child while perfectly moral and ethically correct, had left Iruka in a very unhappy situation. 

Ever since his parents had died, Sarutobi Hiruzen had taken him in, and treated him as his own. As Sandaime's ward, Iruka had grown up knowing that he was going to marry Sarutobi Asuma, since Asuma's older brother had already been married to cement an alliance with Sunagakure. As the younger brother, it was acceptable for Asuma to marry within Konoha. Iruka, having grown up with Asuma, had known how much to expect from Asuma as a dutiful husband, and had long since come to terms with this. 

Just pop out an heir, the spare wasn't even necessary seeing that Asuma's brother already had his own child, the heir to the Sarutobi clan, and then both Iruka and Asuma were free to have whatever dalliances they wished. 

And then Asuma got Yuuhi Kurenai pregnant and then _married_ her, which had the clans in a complete uproar. 

The Yuuhi family was a small and barely signifcant shinobi family, not even related or affiliated to any of the main families and clans, and for Sarutobi to allow Asuma to ally with her family was a huge leap in status for the Yuuhi, and absolute insult to every other damn clan. 

And as much as Iruka knew how much the two of them loved each other, it meant that Iruka was now set to marry a stranger to appease the clans. 

Godddamit, Asuma. 

*** 

Neither of them like attending meetings with the Clan heads. Minor, smaller families all wish they could have a representative of their own; but for the most part, they are represented by the Lesser Clans like Abrume and Inuzuka, or by officials like Morino Ibiki. 

Some might argue that Iruka could represent them too, but Iruka knows he is let into the meeting only on the strength of his position as Hiruzen's ward. 

Now if Kurenai showed up, even in her position as a jounin escort, there would be hell, because some might consider a no-name family getting to consider themselves equal to an old venerable clan like the Uchiha or Hyuuga. She was banned from attending any of these meetings for the foreseeable future. 

Iruka refused to shift on his feet, letting the arm rests of the Hokage's chair dig into the side of his knee, grounding him. On Hiruzen's other side, Asuma was looking like he already wanted it to be over. 

Well too bad. Even with Iruka's presence and the inherent distaste everyone would have for him, such a meeting would only be cut short to two hours rather than the usual four. it was two hours that Iruka was going to have to waste while Asuma got two extra hours to spend with his new wife later tonight. 

When Hyuuga Hiashi entered, accompanied with yet another of his Branch Clan members and Hyuuga Neji, Iruka could FEEL the burn of the man's gaze on him, and watch disdain in the slightest furrow of his forehead. 

Second last to come, Iruka noted - Hyuuga Hiashi was pushing it close; immediately on his heels was Danzo, with _his_ personal escort of nameless, blank-masked ANBU, and then the meeting could start. The later you came in, the more important you were, other than the Hokage; and everyone knew that Danzo was always important to delay meetings till he arrived. Which meant that other Clans jockeyed for second last position. 

But Danzo coming meant Hiruzen could rise and open the meeting and Iruka could tune it out. 

It was the usual thing, domestic complaints first, budget, issues with resource allotment amongst the various administrative departments and their relationship with the Daimyo. These, Iruka could more or less tune out - not that he didn't remember what he was hearing, but he didn't pay particular attention to them , relying on his decent recall and the meeting minutes to make his own report later. 

When he had been younger, occasionally Hiruzen had brought him along to take the minutes; right now there was a teenaged genin taking the minutes, one of Ibiki's interns , probably, fingers clicking quickly over the heavy brick of the laptop. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions, but it was probably faster than when Iruka had had to take notes with ink and brush. 

Hooray for technology. 

"Any other business?" Hiruzen asked, at half past ten, only one hour forty-five minutes after the start. Iruka could _see_ the intern look at the clock, and surreptitiously twist his wrists in an effort to stretch. _Yeah, me too kid_ Iruka thought. Asuma was swallowing and chewing on his lip, a tiny tell that he was dying for a cigarette. 

No one had yelled, or thrown anything. Sure, Hyuuga Hiashi had sneered at Inuzuka Tsume, but he always sneered at at least _someone_ during one of these meetings, so this was par for the course. Maybe they'd actually close this meeting early, a record. Maybe Iruka would be able to get to Ichiraku before the old man closed, and he'd be able to get ONE bottle of sake into him before he had to go pass out and wake up early for class tomorrow. 

Tomorrow was senbon practice dear fucking Hokage-sama. 

It'd be nice to have a good eight hours sleep before having to pick up all the tiny needles by hand in a wide open field because _someone_ lost the big magnet. 

Iruka kept his eye on Hyuuga Hiashi; the man was sneering at Iruka now, and Iruka relaxed a hair. If he was sneering at Iruka that meant he wanted out of the room as soon as possible and that meant the meeting would be on the close - 

"There is the matter of your ward's marriage, Hokage-sama," Uchiha fucking Fugaku said, unfolding his arms with a snap of his sleeves. "I would like to propose a candidate for your consideration. 

Hyuuga Hiashi's fan snapped close with a derisive click. "You would _what_ ," Hiashi sneered. 

"I am proposing Uchiha Shisui for your ward's marriage," Fugaku said, and then EVERY ONE started up clamering. 

Iruka stared at the clock behind them, and watched the minute hand move to 10:50. Fucking Fugaku. Also, fucking Asuma. 

*** 

There is a little known jutsu specific to Konoha - or at least, it's not talked about outside of Konoha or in the Fire Country at large, and most definitely not below Chuunin level except for certain cases. 

It's actually a fairly simple one - deceptively simple, which made Iruka suspect that either a very young shinobi had figured it out, or someone like the Shodaime had. 

It was almost crude in its simplicity, and easy for even genin to master if they had enough reserves and control to walk up trees. The trick was sustaining it for nine months. 

It was also the reason why Konoha was perfectly fine with same-sex marriages. 

As far as Iruka knew, the other Hidden Villages hadn't figured this jutsu out. Or maybe it thoroughly offended their sensibilities. But Konoha had realised that The Jutsu effectively doubled their shinobi numbers, and Clan relationships got more... interesting. Nowadays the negotiations in marriage were more along the lines of who was bearing the child rather than marrying off daughters. 

In any case, Iruka had grown up knowing that he was the one going to bear the next Sarutobi child, and had practiced The Jutsu accordingly as soon as he'd been allowed to learn it when he made genin. As a child of recent immigrants to Konoha, his only claim to any sort of lineage was his being Sandaime's ward, and his clear favourite child. 

It wasn't a surprise to Iruka that the Uchiha had proposed a potential candidate not from the main family. 

"You'd ask for the Ward of the Sarutobi Clan to marry a second class Uchiha?" Tsume yelped, shoving back her seat. "What do you think he is, a piece of meat?" 

"Uchiha Shisui has an excellent track record of missions, is a jounin of exceedingly good class, and a valuable ability with his sharingan besides," Danzo said, slowly, while fugaku smirked at Tsume. 

"As that may be," Hiashi said. Maybe he was rolling his eyes, but it wasn't like anyone could really tell. "It's not like anyone would sully their actual heir with a mongrel lineage." 

" _I_ would offer my own heir," Tsume snarled. "Unlike some people, I don't want my clan to be inbred little fucks with weak chins and bow legs." 

"What did you _say_?" Hiashi said, dangerous. 

Tsume bared her fangs at him. "Inbred freaks." 

The meeting was going to degenerate into name calling now, Iruka thought despairingly, and stared at the clock. 

He could _hear_ Sandaime sigh beside him. "You can take a break, Iruka," Hiruzen said, quietly. "Take Asuma with you." 

When Asuma shut the door behind Iruka, Iruka could hear the scrape of a chair and winced at the crash of wood against the wall. 

"Well that was entertaining," Asuma said, and lit a cigarette. 

"For you, maybe," Iruka said, rubbing his temples. There were more raised voices now. "I'd wanted to go get quietly drunk, and sleep early. But no, you wanted me there to rile them up." 

"It'd get decided quicker this way," Asuma said, appeasingly. "It'll be over soon, i promise." 

"It's already over for _you_ , bastard," Iruka said, tugging down the zipper of his vest so he could enjoy just a hint of the cool night air from the window. here the raised voices were dimmed just a tad, and he could look out at the night sky and think how nice it would be to just fall off and break his neck or something. 

"Yeah, well," Asuma said. "Imagine getting pregnant by _me_ , it'd be terrible." 

"You're already terrible, I don't have to imagine it," Iruka said, scathingly. "I don't know how Kurenai tolerates your snoring and smoking in bed." 

Asuma just grinned at him. "She loves it. Loooooves it. You know, especially when I - ow!" 

Iruka drew his leg back. "Shut up." 

"I need shin guards like the ANBU." 

"You should have applied to them two years ago, idiot." 

Asuma huffed. "Nah, I'm happy enough being a jounin. Suzume-sensei already approached me asking that I mentor a genin team next semester; ANBU can't do that." 

"Sure you'll love genin, you who have to repack your mission packs three times before you're ready because you forgot your bedroll. Even after I brained you with it." 

"See, now, Kurenai doesn't do that, she's sweet and kind and you're a nag. That's why we'd never work out." 

Iruka rolled his eyes. "You mean now I have to marry some inbred asshole. Doesn't mean I can't go over to yours and throw your goddamn bedroll at your head again." 

"Please, I'm a married man now, show me some dignity." 

Iruka shoved off from the window sill. "You have none, you giant bear. You think they've finished yelling?" 

The room's voices had died down to just above 'indoor voices' discussion, rather than absolute yelling like hooligans. "Maybe Tsume's killed Hiashi," Asuma said, pinching out his cigarette with a sigh. 

"I wish," Iruka said. "Come on, we should head back in." 

Just as Iruka opened the door, Uchiha Fugaku said, "Inuzuka-san is perfectly right, for Umino Iruka's hand in marriage I offer my son and Heir to the Uchiha Clan, Uchiha Itachi." 

In the absolute pin-drop silence that ensued, Sandaime said, "On behalf of my ward Umino Iruka, I accept."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** 
> 
>  
> 
> My notes for this chapter:
> 
> *Uchiha first offer Uchiha Shisui, who is not from the main family 
> 
> * hyuuga laughs and says of course they wouldn't offer anyone from their main family 
> 
> * uchiha in a bid to snub the Hyuuga, offers Itachi instead.
> 
> * everyone surprise.  
> Also, they all know that after this meeting:  
> hiashi: fuck you
> 
> Tsume: you mean you want your cousins to fuck you. inbred fucker
> 
> hiashi: TAKE THAT BACK
> 
> tsume: *fucks him*
> 
> Poor little Neji and the Unnamed Hyuuga Cousin are just, standing around in the next room, trying to angle their blind spots to that one cupboard, and hating the byakugen and wishing an assassin would come and murder them all.
> 
> This work had several alternative titles:  
> 1\. MALE AND FEMALE SIMULTANEOUSLY  
> or 2. MALE AND FEMALE CRISS-CROSSING
> 
> So that was fun. 
> 
> I took NONE of this fic seriously, except for what i did take seriously. Namely, iruka's feeeeelings, the sibling interactions, and my sense of humour. Timeline is what timeline, and Naruto probably doesn't exist because i haven't bothered to put him in this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prospective couple meet. 
> 
> It goes swimmingly.

"Are you afraid?" The light, high tenor jerked Iruka's gaze up to meet dark eyes. Itachi was wearing a dark, navy montsuki kimono, his haori a shade darker, so the Uchiha fan stood out on his chest and shoulders. The haori and kimono were tailored for his slight frame, so he didn't look like he was swimming in it; it had to be, Itachi was only seventeen. 

Iruka still couldn't help but see him as the tiny solemn classmate in his own final year, standing in front of him to be awarded the hitai-ate. They had spent all of one semester together as classmates, Itachi having fast-tracked through the academy to graduate at seven years old. 

Itachi was still Itachi-kun to him, even though Itachi was a jounin and had been for at least six years. Rumour had it that he was in ANBU - it made sense; someone who'd made jounin so young would have been recruited as soon as possible. 

Iruka had to take a breath and deliberately rehearse his own words before opening his mouth. "No, Itachi-san," he said. 

Itachi blinked slowly, like a cat. The weather was a little cool, and Iruka was glad that his own kimono had the many layers. The thick obi meant he couldn't do anything but maintain an extremely straight posture, and sadly it meant he was still taller than Itachi by several inches, even with both of them kneeling. 

"You are not eating," Itachi pointed out, and reached for the teacup on the table between them. Iruka exhaled. 

"I'm not used to eating in a - with such a wide obi, Itachi-k- Itachi-san," Iruka said. 

It was psychosomatic, Iruka knew. The kimono had been fitted to his standard female form. As a chuunin who participated in the daily exercises and training for village bound shinobi, he knew he wasn't as hard-muscled as those who took regular missions out of the village, but he was lean enough that the padding required for the kimono was minimal. 

"Are you uncomfortable? Should I help take it off?" Itachi asked, putting his teacup down and leaning forward and Iruka reared back, barely catching himself from falling over. 

"No! No, it is - I mean I am fine. I'll manage, Itachi-kun. I mean Itachi-san." To show him, Iruka snagged one of the delicate teacakes and ate it as cleanly as he could manage. He could feel his cheeks heat, especially since Itachi kept watching him intently. 

"Good," Itachi said, when Iruka managed to swallow. "I do not want my wife to be afraid of me." 

Iruka almost choked. "You know that I am not going to be your _wife_ , right, Itachi-san?" 

Itachi folded his fingers into loose fists on his knees, like he just needed to have something to do with his hands. "You are using the jutsu right now," he said. "Father has approved your technique, and you will be bearing my heirs." he shrugged, and his long ponytail slipped from over his shoulder to hang behind his back. "You will be my wife." 

Iruka had to take a sip of his tea so he wouldn't cough rudely into the plate of sweets on the table. 

It was the first meeting they were going to have before the wedding; tradition dictated that they could voice any protest of the match after this meeting, but Iruka didn't think he'd say anything. Iruka was acutely aware of the huge honour Fugaku was doing him, even if most of it was to snub Hyuuga Hiashi before he could offer Hyuuga Hinata (No, just no.) and Itachi was too dutiful a son to turn down a match his Clan head had made for him. Uchiha Shisui would have been closer in age, only two years younger than Iruka, but Iruka had not known the man outside of the mission room. Itachi, on the other hand, had been his classmate, and Iruka had known him to be a polite, quiet boy, and he'd grown into a polite, serious jounin who was quietly devoted to his little brother. When he could, Itachi turned up at the Academy to walk his brother to and from school, and occasionally asked Iruka for what his baby brother had been doing for the day. 

There was nothing Iruka could complain about. 

"I will bear your heirs, Itachi-kun," Iruka agreed, "But that does not mean -" 

Itachi cocked his head as Iruka trailed off in a grimace. "I apologise. Itachi-san." 

itachi got to his feet, and held out his hand to Iruka. "Shall we take a walk?" 

Iruka hurriedly put his teacup back down on the table and got to his feet, letting Itachi help him up. 

Yes, he was still a few inches taller than Itachi. 

Fugaku and Hiruzen had left them the appearance of privacy; they were both in the next room, with the doors open, and if they spoke above conversational levels, they'd hear every word that Itachi and Iruka said. 

But taking a walk in the gardens was a little more private - it wasn't out of sight, but out of hearing, and everyone was going to pretend that no one was reading their lips. 

Itachi didn't let go of Iruka's hand until they reached a large sakura tree, and then he slotted his hands into his sleeves. "Should I call you sensei?" Itachi asked, tipping his head to the side like a bird. 

"I beg your pardon - no, no there's no need, I mean when we are married -" Iruka swallowed his words a little, trying to figure out what on earth Itachi was getting at. to be utterly fair, outside of the school Itachi didn't have to address him by sensei any longer; and once they were married, such formalities would be dispensed with. Probably. "You're a jounin, and higher ranked than I am. And... you will be my husband." And Iruka his consort. Itachi would definitely not be the one bearing the heirs, after all. 

"Hm," Itachi blinked slowly, again, and then stepped in closer. "But you call me Itachi-kun." 

"I apologise," Iruka said. flustered, taking a step back. The kimono he was wearing was significantly more narrow than the man's kimono Itachi was; short of hiking up the skirt, he was forced to take shorter, smaller steps. "I won't do it again." 

"I didn't say you shouldn't," Itachi murmured, and then he unfolded his hands from his sleeves, reached to take Iruka's hand in both of his. "I like when you call me that. after all, I was your kohai, in school." 

He smiled, a tiny little tilt of his lips and Iruka blinked, his cheeks warming. "I - what?" 

"Do you have any misgivings about our union, Iruka-senpai?" Itachi said. His hands were very warm on Iruka's. 

"N-no." Iruka swallowed. Itachi's eyes were very dark. The high collars of his kimono were suddenly very warm. 

"None at all?" Itachi's voice had dropped low, half an octave, lips barely moving. 

"None," Iruka breathed, staring at him. 

"Good," Itachi said, and squeezed his hands on Iruka's palm and fingers, before drawing back slowly. "I look forward to seeing you again, then, Iruka-senpai." 

"That's, good," Iruka managed, weakly. 

Dear fucking lord. 

"Indeed," Itachi said. "Perhaps by the next meeting, you will be able to see the set of apartments we shall have. Good morning, Iruka-senpai." 

Oh dear fucking lord, Iruka thought. 

His hand was still tingling on the way home. 

** *

Asuma was enjoying the downtime after a relatively easy B-class mission. It had been one of those where he got to stand around a lot waiting for most of a week, then explosive action that resulted in a crater, three injured limbs on either side, and everyone running back home to lick their metaphorical wounds. 

Yeah, relatively easy. Asuma hadn't been one of those with an injured limb after all, just a bit of tinnitus that would wear off in a day or so. 

He was sitting on the veranda watching Kurenai in her large straw hat and loose cotton dress, spray some plant or other from a bottle. Over the ring in his ears, he could just about hear "Die mother fuckers die." 

Ah, sweet love. 

He would probably not have moved for the next two hours till Kurenai came to kick him out of the sun, except that one of their wards pinged. 

It was a polite ping, a little tug of the chakra that meant the tugger had noticed their wards, and was politely knocking instead of barging in like certain feral barbarians who figured boundaries were there to be torn through. 

To be honest, that description could apply to at least two people in his life, and you could blame the wars for only _one_ of them. 

Kurenai had stopped spraying liquid death on the mealy worms, aphids, whatever it was she'd decided was going to die this time, and straightened up. "Who is it, you think?" 

"Well it's not Iruka," Asuma said. Asuma never got up for Iruka if he could help it. 

They blinked at each other for a long moment, before Asuma got to his feet and ambled towards the front door. A visitor who would ping on their wards politely wouldn't be trying to get into their windows, and he'd actually get to use their still brand new front door for its stated function. 

Seeing an Uchiha on his doorstep still gave him a jolt straight to the guilt centre of his brain, conditioning from when he was a kid and Iruka had been caught spray-painting the Hyuuga compound with rude words because a Hyuuga substitute teacher had insulted non-Clanners and Asuma had strongly suggested Iruka tell them exactly what he thought of it. 

Having the police show up with your foster brother hanging by the scruff of his neck and _both_ your oldest brother and the police officer stare at you like they knew exactly who had put Iruka up to it was a scarring thing for a mere twelve-year-old. Even though he knew _now_ the Sharingan wasn't used for that purpose without severe brain trauma, kids had all the legends of the sharingan anyway, up to and including pocket dimensions full of demons. 

"Honoured Brother-in-law," said the Uchiha's pride and joy, youngest jounin since a certain someone made the entire Uchiha clan froth with rage. 

"Itachi-san," Asuma said, blinking down at him. And stared at the box the young man was holding out to him. It was pale pink with gold accents, and Asuma recognised it as the understated elegant wrapping from That Place. 

That Place had no name, but when you needed to send someone a gift for saving your life, or to make up for missing your spouse's birthday the third time in a row, that was where you went. There was no name on the wrapping paper, but the tiny little peach picked out in gold foil on the top meant that inside were probably two extremely perfect, round, firm yet juicy and incredibly sweet peaches, probably the exact same shade of blush pink as the wrapping paper. 

"Who is it? Oh! Uchiha-san," Kurenai came up behind Asuma, and her eyes widened at the gift Itachi pushed into Asuma's hands. 

"Thank you," Itachi said, before Asuma could ask what was going on, "For getting Yuuhi-san pregnant. I appreciate it very much." 

Then he disappeared. 

"Uh," Asuma said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: 
> 
> itachi graduated at 7. Iruka graduated at the same time at 11. when Iruka finally makes Chuunin, he was sixteen, and Itachi was 12, having been Chuunin at ten and apparently becoming ANBU at 11. God knows when he became jounin so fuck this.. this fucked my initial timeline because i had thought that maybe Iruka started teaching while Itachi was in his last year in the Academy but apparently not. 
> 
> Fuck. 
> 
> Asuma is 5 years older than Iruka and I don't care about timelines anymore. 
> 
> There's an established fanon characterisation that Kakashi has no socialization skill because child-genius, but itachi isn't much better. They are such idiots. 
> 
> itachi's  thought processes went something like: 
> 
> i am getting something  i like/want  
> i am very happy  
> asuma was instrumental in letting me have this  
> i must thank him  
> social convention says must give gift to show appreciation?  
> I shall go get the Best Gift  
> And Thank Him Explicitly for what he did


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka handles the wedding arrangements. 
> 
> It goes well.

This visit, Iruka was in the Uchiha Compound in a plain montsuki kimono, his own haori sporting the small Umino crest on the shoulders but the larger Sarutobi one on the back. As the only Umino in Konoha, his family might as well be considered a minor vessel branch of Sarutobi's, as far as every other Clan was concerned. This apparently made no difference to Itachi, whose expression had barely changed when he'd opened the door to Iruka, other than a faint up-down flicker of his eyes and a slight crinkle at the edges. 

And then Itachi had held out his hand to Iruka, and led him inside, and the way Itachi'd curled his fingers over Iruka's had made him blush. 

Itachi's parents had greeted him pleasantly, and at once left them alone in that little room again, which was a relief - clearly the Clan head and his wife didn't disapprove of Iruka, and weren't going to loiter and stare judgingly at him while he made small talk with his future husband. It was the third visit, ostentiously to talk about the wedding arrangements, even though Iruka had already been meeting with all the other personnel who were trying to make this thing not the giant Clan fiasco that Iruka was terrified of happening. It should have been one of Iruka's family doing it, but Asuma had skipped out of the village on yet another long mission because he was a coward. It was a wonder that Sandaime let him take any missions at all, but Iruka also knew if he had left it up to Asuma to organize this giant extravaganza of Clan politics and pride, they'd probably only get married ten years later, and probably because one of the interested parties would have decided to elope. 

Still, it meant that Iruka could pencil in the requisite traditional chaperoned meetings between him and his future spouse at a time convenient to him, and Itachi had considerately only taken short duration and short distance missions in the meantime. He had been scrupulously on time for his visit to the Sarutobi residence last week, bringing with him the traditional gifts the proposing party was supposed to bring, a meticulously wrapped and arranged box of fruit and cakes from the Uchiha gardens, and when they had sat down, Itachi had passed him a little sachet of specialty green tea from Lightning country. 

"For when you have late nights at the Academy, sensei," Itachi had said, and maybe it had been Iruka's imagination, but that was just the slightest furtive air to Itachi's action, even if his words were calm, measured and perfectly pitched to be conversational. 

For _this_ third visit, Iruka had brought a box of dango. Iruka's source (aka Sasuke-kun) had let slip Itachi's favourite flavours and Iruka had spent ten somewhat ridiculous minutes trying to choose the best three he could find from a quiet specialty sweets shop without looking like a complete lovesick idiot. 

That slight pause when Itachi had opened the box had been worth all of it though. 

Their talk had turned to Academy reminiscences - or at least, on Iruka's part, because Itachi was mostly quiet and seemed to prefer Iruka to talk, and despite what Iruka's friends might say about Iruka listening to himself talk, it wasn't like Iruka could run out of things to say. After all, there was a lot that happened just over the past week alone, and Iruka had plenty of anecdotes to regale Itachi with. 

Iruka had been demonstrating the latest disaster with the shuriken training session when Itachi turned towards the door. 

"Itachi-kun?" 

"No, someone is at the wards." Itachi eyed the door, and Iruka could hear footsteps walking past their room - to the room Itachi's parents were in. 

"Clan leader," an Uchiha said, Iruka didn't know who, "that _man_ is at the front door." 

"What. For how long?" 

"Two hours, Fugaku-sama." 

Itachi exhaled, slowly, and turned to shut the box of dango just as Fugaku opened their door. "I apologise, Iruka-san. Itachi, it appears that your Taicho has come to see you." 

"If he had come to see me, he would have come through the usual route," Itachi said, but he was getting to his feet. "I apologise, sensei, would you prefer to wait here? But you could come, if you would like." 

"I can come, if you don't mind," Iruka said, curious as to who was Itachi's taicho. Itachi hadn't been very forthcoming about his work, and of course Iruka wouldn't push. It was a small conflict of interest - and Iruka didn't take Itachi's mission reports in the Mission Room. 

This might also spell the end of his visit here, sadly. Eying the slant of the sunlight outside the window, Iruka realised that he had been here for more than two hours, and to be honest he ought to be heading back soon anyway. 

"I don't mind," Itachi said. And held his hand out to Iruka again. 

When they went to the front ante room, Iruka blinked at the full head of fluffy silvery hair. And the dark colours of the Hatake crest. 

"Hatake-taicho," Itachi said, from beside Iruka. "Is... there something important?" 

"Maa, you could say that," Hatake Kakashi, famed Copy-nin and Sharingan Thief, said, snapping the bright lurid orange book he had been reading shut. "one must always offer one's congratulations in person, no?" 

"You didn't have to come all the way here, personally. Hatake-san." Fugaku said, tight and clipped and Iruka could see that his temple was creased in a way to make Iruka's jaw hurt in sympathy. "Surely you saw Itachi earlier in the Mission Room." 

"Oh, that, I had congratulated my subordinate already, as Taicho to kohai." Kakashi waved his book like it was a fan. "But as Head of the Hatake family, I can't _Not_ pay my respects." He gestured lazily with his book, and Fugaku's already dark expression darkened further, even as a jounin - who was it, Iruka wasn't sure he recognised him - with a long-suffering expression stepped forward with several gaily wrapped boxes. "Congratulations, Uchiha Itachi," Kakashi said, and cast a dark half-lidded gaze at Iruka. "And Umino-san." 

"Thank you, Hatake-Taicho." Itachi said, stepping forward to receive the boxes from the jounin. "Tenzou-san." 

Tenzou nodded, with a soft murmur that sounded almost apologetic. 

"Maaa. Not taicho. Right? I'm here to congratulate your clan on such an exquisite acquisition. Maybe if I had been fast enough, I could have snagged such a pearl for my own Clan," Hatake said, and his tone was light, the kind of archness that sometimes the Fugaku used when he was mocking other clan heads. 

"Would you like to come in for some tea," Fugaku ground out. 

"Oh, if you don't mind." Hatake said brightly. "We were waiting _so_ long in the hot sun, I almost asked Tenzou here to build a shed while we waited for you to return home. I suppose you just didn't hear us." 

As opposed to, Iruka suddenly realised, the Uchiha trying their best to ignore Kakashi. 

Kakashi's relationship with the Uchiha was tempestuous at best, especially since he'd gotten Uchiha Obito's Sharingan so young. No one was still quite sure how the medic Rin had managed to keep it in his head without Kakashi'd body rejecting it, nor how Kakashi had managed to figure out how to use it, and use it effectively. 

But what did everyone else really know about the abilities of a genius like Kakashi? He'd made chuunin even younger than Itachi had, and spent six long bloody years as chuunin before finally getting promoted as jounin, and, again as rumours had it, into ANBU where he probably was the stuff of nightmares for other Hidden Village shinobi. 

Right now he was smiling hugely obvious behind his mask, and basically forcing Fugaku to invite him in like a guest because you didn't turn away other Clan Heads who were making proper official visits via the front door. 

"I really, should be going though," Iruka said, after a moment of watching Fugaku do terrible things to his molars that his dentist would cry with joy for. "I'll see you again next week, Itachi-kun?" 

"Yes," Itachi said, hands still full with the boxes, and he frowned just the slightest amount, looking down at his full hands. "I should show you out." 

"There's no need," Iruka said. "Perhaps you could see to your Father's guest? I am, after all, going to be married into the Clan soon, and family doesn't need to show itself out right?" 

"Ah. Right." Itachi's mouth turned up in one corner, just a hint. "Family. That is true. I shall see you in a week then, sensei." 

Iruka smiled helplessly at him, and then made himself scarce before Hatake incited Fugaku to homicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch me fail completely to do any real research into wedding prep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, they're married!

The wedding itself had gone smoothly; Iruka had gone over the details with the organizers and the planners and the various administrators and the various Clan Elders that actually getting through the ceremony itself hadn't felt like anything at all. Just the step after, then the next and the next and then when they were both in the matrimonial chamber, it had felt like a sudden shock to the system. 

And then Itachi had smiled at him, and reached out for his kimono in the dim light and Iruka had been just stunned by Itachi's smile. 

Now it was the morning after, and Iruka was blinking at the unfamiliar ceiling until _oh_ it was their room. 

_Their_ room. Itachi's new living quarters. Now that he was married, he got to move out of his natal home with his parents, and was the head of his own small house-hold up till and until he was finally head of the Clan himself. 

Soft, dry lips pressed to Iruka's shoulder. 

"Good morning," Itachi said, his hair falling in a soft sweep against Iruka's skin. "Did you sleep well?" 

"I'm pretty sure I did," Iruka said, reaching up for Itachi's cheek, and Itachi hummed as cool slender fingers caught Iruka's wrist, not quite arresting his movement but just, holding him. Itachi's thumb slid over Iruka's pulse, the tendon in his wrist. "And you?" 

Itachi's lips stretched in a smile against Iruka's skin, and he shivered at the slightest pressure against - ah - bruise from last night. 

"I enjoyed sleeping next to you, Iruka-senpai," Itachi murmured and Iruka could _feel_ the heat travel down his ears to his neck. Iruka wasn't sure what to say in response to that, and swallowed. Curled his fingers a little and turning to look at Itachi out of the corner of his eyes. 

The room didn't have direct morning light, so it was still fairly dim right now with Itachi's black hair and eyes like ink shadowing his pale face. 

"How long have you been awake?" Iruka said instead. 

"Perhaps half an hour. I also enjoyed watching you sleep." 

Iruka didn't quite choke. "That must have been. Quite boring for you," Iruka said weakly. 

"Hardly," Itachi said, turning to tug Iruka's hand to his lips, and pressed a soft kiss to his wrist. "I kept my chakra low so as to not disturb your sleep." 

"Thank you for the consideration, husband," Iruka said. His voice was wavering, going a little breathy. His wrist tingled where Itachi was pressing his lips; in this form, everything seemed just that much more sensitive, and Itachi was an expert in the human body. 

Iruka hadn't quite expected the skills of a shinobi to meticulously take a body apart to correspond with... well, what happened last night, and what was going to happen this morning, but he really should have known better. 

"We don't have to be so formal, Iruka-senpai?" There was just the slightest hint of huskiness in the soft murmur of Itachi's voice, especially breathed against Iruka's wrist and Iruka had had _no_ idea that his wrists could be that sensitive but he was definitely going to have to make a mental note. 

"You're still calling me senpai," Iruka pointed out, shifting a little, feeling his thigh brush against Itachi's own naked leg. Itachi ran cooler than Iruka, but the sensation of his _husband's_ skin against his was like a tingle of electricity. 

"I like it," Itachi said. His dark eyes narrowed a little, almost a wider smile. "You like it too." 

Iruka's heartbeat betrayed him, and Itachi could feel it - probably count it against his lips and Iruka had to take a deep, definitely audible, breath. 

"I'm fairly certain you shouldn't be pointing it out quite so bluntly." It was just that much harder to keep his voice even and calm, and Iruka knew he wasn't fooling either of them. 

Itachi hummed again, tugging at Iruka's wrist, pulling Iruka's arm further up, and he could reach around to tangle his fingers into Itachi's hair, just as Itachi slid equally soft kisses up the inside of Iruka's arm, to the tender inside of his elbow and Iruka shuddered in a soft groan. 

Itachi's lips were applying infinitesimal amounts of pressure right along Iruka's pressure points - text book perfect and with just the right direction, force and chakra, he could numb Iruka's fingers, or paralyse him up to the shoulder. 

Instead it felt like he was leaving tingling blushes of heat all along Iruka's arm, and an answering heat was not only flushing down Iruka's face and chest, it was settling in a pool in his belly, even as Iruka tightened his hand in Itachi's hair. 

Itachi let go of Iruka's arm when Iruka had a proper grip in his hair, sliding his hand down over Iruka's ribs, callouses skirting ticklish light over Iruka's skin and spreading almost possessively on Iruka's belly. "Do you wish to change?" Itachi murmured. 

"Are you already ready for a child in nine months?" Iruka breathed, looking into Itachi's eyes. 

"It was not stated in the negotiations that it had to be done as soon as possible. What is your choice, Iruka-senpai?" 

Iruka had been relieved during the negotiations of the marriage contract with the laywers that the Uchiha Clan was not insistent on offspring immediately post-wedding. They did, after all, have Sasuke-kun, as well, and Itachi was young yet. Barring another war, it was very likely Itachi had plenty of time to have as many children as the Clan required later. 

Iruka had still gotten married in the female-form because it was indicative of his negotiated role - there were so many reasons why Iruka was the one who would be the one bearing the children, some of them much more pragmatic than social. The fact that Itachi was asking him his choice though, made heat spread _more_. 

"I'll change before breakfast," Iruka said, and tugged at Itachi's hair. "Come here please, Itachi-kun?" 

Itachi smiled. "Of course, senpai." 

*** 

The Uchiha compound was extremely quiet when Iruka and Itachi finally emerged from the bedroom to locate breakfast. With any other Clan, Iruka might think it was the hangover after the wedding yesterday, but the Uchiha were far too dignified to drink to excess. The Inuzuka might. 

Iruka tried to imagine waking up post-celebration in the Inuzuka compound and picking his way across prone and snoring bodies, human and dog alike. It was something he would have expected for his own wedding, maybe a month ago, perhaps, since the Sarutobi would have invited every Clan to the reception, even if the ceremony itself would have been small. 

Itachi turned a little, holding his hand out to Iruka and Iruka took it with a smile. Itachi's eyebrow inched a fraction higher in question at Iruka's expression, and Iruka shook his head. 

A raucous reception might have been something Iruka _expected_ , it wasn't something he would have _wanted_ , and having Itachi here - 

Well.   
He couldn't imagine dignified, serious Itachi at a wedding like Asuma's, and he wasn't particularly regretful. This quiet suited him much better. 

As did, Iruka thought, as he noted the little dark spot on Itachi's pale neck, just crossed by the collar of his yukata, the most visible of _many_ such marks and Iruka blushed at the surge of pleasure at seeing it. 

Well. He definitely didn't regret this. 

Someone had left a simple meal of rice, miso soup and some fried fish in their dining area, a concession to the fact that they were newly married and Iruka _probably_ wouldn't have known where to find the communal kitchens. 

That same someone had left out a tea-set and gently warmed hot water thermos, with a pack of tea. 

It was also from Lightning country, but when Iruka picked it up, he realised it was a silver needle tea, a Konoha tradition to encourage... conception. 

"We don't have to brew it," Itachi said, taking a seat while Iruka blushed furiously, having completely forgotten about it. 

Hell he himself had left the same tea in Asuma's house and a cheeky note for the morning after _his_ wedding, and he hadn't thought to realise that, subtle and dressed up with typical Uchiha elegance, this would be for him too. 

They were _really_ married. 

"It's a good tea," Iruka said, ignoring his blush and picking open the seal on the tea. "It's ... symbolic, it's not like it has any real aid to conception." 

"No, of course not," Itachi agreed. "For proper conception aid, there should be sea urchin." 

Iruka almost dropped the tea while Itachi placidly picked up a piece of fish. 

He eyed Itachi narrowly. "You're teasing me," he decided, as he scooped out a tiny spoon of tea for the tea.

"Hardly," Itachi said, and placed the fish into Iruka's bowl. "You should eat." 

"Thank you," Iruka said automatically, setting down the teapot once he'd filled it with hot water. "I'm just, making the tea first- ' he trailed off when he realised that the fish was shishamo, its pregnant belly bursting with eggs and deep fried to golden perfection. 

" _Now_ I'm teasing you," Itachi said, before delicately biting off the head of his own shishamo. 

"I'd never have expected that of you," Iruka said, determined not to blush at the highly suggestive pregnant fish. 

"What did you expect from me?" Itachi placede his chopsticks into his bowl of miso soup to stir it up, before picking out a delicate, almost paper thin slice of lotus root from the soup to place on his rice. "With all these aphrodisiacs," he indicated the lotus, his voice almost dry, "and other hints for virility, it would be entirely remiss of me not to tease my wife with it." 

"I am not - your wife." 

Itachi just smiled, and ate his goddamn aphrodisiac lotus. 

"Brat," Iruka said, after a moment of staring at Itachi lick rice and the lotus off his chopsticks. 

"As you say, Iruka-senpai." 

"We're not going to conceive right now." 

"I expect so." Itachi hummed. "But I would like to test the vaunted capabilities of lotus on one's virility. Perhaps you too would like to help?" 

"But I'm currently not using the jutsu, and you're not -" 

Itachi's smile widened. "Yes. And we have nowhere to be till your afternoon shift at the Mission Desk." 

Iruka blinked. "Oh. _Oh._ " 

They forewent lunch so they had an extra hour to kill before Iruka's shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi would not stop being fucking cute. He just wouldn't. And i nearly ended up writing porn which i most definitely did not want to do. Not that I don't love porn but porn takes up SO MUCH brain power sometimes and dammit Itachi stop being obviously in love with your arranged spouse. 
> 
> Who knows if Itachi actually had a strong hand in getting his father to propose marriage to Iruka. If he did, Iruka's never going to know this explicitly till like, twenty years later and their carefully negotiated according to the pre-nup children are graduated the academy at _least_.
> 
> ... if Itachi's 17 here and their first kid is born in a year and they graduate at the sedate 12 years of age, Itachi would be a mere 30 years old. Omg. 
> 
> Also, did you notice the worldbuilding? Marriage in Konoha looks like a tangled web of delicate and deliberate negotiations in various permutations; i don't even want to know what their lawyers would be making. 
> 
> Every other Hidden Village regard Leaf nin as fucking perverts. Or pervert fucking. Whichever. And half the time they don't want to know what the fuck they're doing. 
> 
> Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the Shinobi world, the end. 
> 
> This isn't the end! i'm writing a sequel story, because this felt like a good place to end the Itachi/Iru focal part. Coming up eventually is going to be Kakashi horning his way into this happy marriage because he wants a piece of that, he does SO MUCH. 
> 
> I hope it will be full of petty ninja shenanigans too. :)


End file.
